You’ve Arrived: The Future, Pt. 1

Early in November 2014, Adobe came out with a Black Friday online shopping forecast video which revealed trending technologies and exactly where and when holiday sales would peak (Wait, what?! Yep. That’s the power of 2014 marketing analytics). Fitbit’s active wristbands were singled out as the expected best seller within the growing wearable technology category.

But I was skeptical. Not about the sell-ability of these devices — people were equally skeptical of the iPad before it came out — but about the human race in general. Has phone-checking really become burdensome enough to warrant a $700 million industry? I chuckled, giggled, and rotated my eyeballs in a complete 360-degree motion over the thought that anyone would swoon over a device whose main advantages included getting texts delivered straight to your wrist and the ability to check your heart rate regularly. “How extraordinarily beneficial!” I scoffed non-verbally on several occasions. But then I met a believer.

Well, she was a saleswoman. So … half points. I originally entered Florescent Adolescence¹(the T-mobile store) to check phone prices since my husband had been insisting on using his first-generation, twice-shattered piece of Microsoft-crap.² Samsung’s smart watch came up (right on cue, I might add) as the convenient attach sale item.³ The saleswoman claimed to be getting one for her boyfriend because he never answers her texts with his phone. But if he had a smart watch, things would be different — I’d see.

I have to hand it to her (or her boyfriend), because either she is a decent liar (and thus, probably good at her job), or he is a genius. What better way to ensure he gets a smart watch for Christmas than to ignore his girlfriend’s texts and then insist she needs to figure out a way to send messages more directly if she wants an adequate amount of attention to get her through a long day of phone-selling. Their conversation must have gone something like this:

Her: “Good morning! :)”

Her: Hey :)”

Her: “Hey babe ;)”

Her: “Hey boooooo!!! ;)”

Her: “What r u up to??”

Her: “WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU ANSWERING MY TEXTS???”

Him: “Hey sorry, direct messages to my pocket are just not direct enough to get my attention … I mean, if there was some sort of device that would send your message directly to my wrist, then we’d be talking …” (Literally.)

Her (to herself): “Why, I know of just the thing! In fact, they just so happen to sell those at my place of employment — oh joyous day!”

Or he’s just cheating on her.

Bottom line(/paragraph), if you are looking for something to optimize your significant other’s texting response and/or want to speed up the time it takes for our society to become like that from the ripe-tomato (96%, people!) children’s film, WALL-E and/or are OCD-level obsessed with your heart rate, the time to buy a smart watch is now.

Personally, I’m holding out for a hoverboard. Which is currently in beta (aka, only Tony Hawk and his friends get to use it).

  • Forever 21 is still worse.
  • He’s still using this phone.
  • This is a fancy sales way of saying an add-on item to the main, reason-you-originally-walked-into-the-store sale. (I.e., how she could sell more stuff and get more commission.)
  • This is more of an expression than the truth. I did it for dramatic effect. The time to buy depends on how badly you want to be considered an “early adopter” (see Malcolm Gladwell for the pros and cons of this status title). The price point will certainly be cut in half by next year.
  • Okay, okay, that was fake. But this is real.

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