Wireless Is More: The Future, Pt. 3

Recently, I came closer than I have been in a long time to entertaining the thought of running. Not running, mind you — entertaining the thought of running. Like, regularly. And I owe this significant baby step to the marketing hype of wireless headphone technology.

There are always several reasons to not run, and only a few less-appealing arguments on the opposing side.

Pros:

  • You’ll be a fat-melting machine
  • You feel like you’re in Chariots of Fire for the first half-mile
  • Endorphins
  • Bikini bod
  • People will think highly of you1
  • Free

Cons:

  • Turns out you actually have to run a TON for meaningful fat-meltage
  • It is more likely you will burn yourself out before burning fat
  • Cramps
  • Sweat
  • Time (I’ve got Netflix series to get to, you horrible time-whore!)
  • Too hot/cold/humid OR … gym
  • Could be kidnapped
  • Requires changing clothes
  • It’s kind of sucky
  • You have to awkwardly weave your headphone wires under your sports bra, creating an uncomfortable and unflattering tumor-like bunch.

Today, I will primarily be focused on the latter (and most annoying) con.

In addition to the uncomfortable obstacle wired headphones cause, they are also prone to getting caught on stuff and unplugging IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR RUN. This is unacceptable. As our American hero and real superbowl champion Missy Elliott once said, “Music make me lose control.” But how can “music make me lose control” when said music is constantly being cut off, subsequently cutting off my grove?! As if anyone could run without straightforward reminders from Miley to, under no circumstances, stop.

Hate-ode to non-wireless headphones:

Because of you, I’ve never strayed too far from my apartment.
Because of you, I’ve stayed on the safe side (in my apartment).
Because of you, I find it hard to run, not only a mile but the end of my street.
Because of you.
Because of you.
Because it’s your fault
That I’m scared and lazy.
Because of you.

Thank you.

*Sigh* How soon I got over my dependence on you, non-wireless headphones. #wireless4lifeeee #xoxo #UntilMyNextNewTechCrush

 

P.S. I haven’t yet forgiven Dre for hurtful lyrics past. While your new wireless headphones look cool, Dre, your quality is a little lackluster. I mean, the sound is good, a hell of a lot better than my pair of Skullcandys, but not great. It’s not Bose. And because Bose has finally injected some design sense into their newer headphone models (as opposed to being the ugliest — but most well-respected — headphones on the planet), I believe they will win my vote. Also, my money.

1. I cannot guarantee this. You will also need to be hot.

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