Syncing in the Rain: The Future, Pt. 2
Do you ever just drop your phone in the toilet and say, “crap”? Not because you’re suddenly confused about the your phone’s identity, but because your phone is now the equivalent of a piece of crap as you can no longer access Trivia Crack on it? Yeah, me neither. But even still, you probably want waterproofing, just in case.
If you’re looking to convert to the wonderful1 world of waterproof, here are your options: Sony2 or special coating. Whaaaa? But what about … ?? No. Samsung DABBLES. They have a little seal around the battery that makes their phones water-resistant. But clearly they are not confident enough — dare I say they don’t have the manufactured balls(that’s right, come at my Samsy) — to actually ensure waterproof-ability. Otherwise, they would declare to the high heavens with the angelic voice of an underpaid VO actor3 their complete waterproofness. But nooo. They’re smart buggers, the Samsung bunch, and terrified of lawsuits. But you can bet your boots (all Texans wear boots, yeah?) you won’t see them shy away from a fabulous tailored suit. That being said, I am an s5 owner, and it’s been fine in a little drizzle now and then. Do I trust its pathetic faux-leather skin to keep it safe from Galveston hurricanes long-term? No, no I do not. And neither should you. So, from where I sit, you have two choices: either do the DIY waterproofing thing and spread on the second coat, manicure-style, or let Sony dominate another market.4
Despite your limited options, here’s the real issue: Phone warranties are finicky, slimy, and sometimes straight-up stupid. What you need to know upfront is that modern-day phone warranties will not cover your salty, circuit-corroding sweat beads. They do not consider excessive sweating a pre-existing condition and have subsequently gone to great lengths to create a sweat-detecting chip so they can call you out IN FRONNA YOUR FRIIIIENDS! (See this obnoxiously long footnote5 for the full fourth-hand experience.) Essentially, if your biceps sweat, you’re S.O.L. AND a freak. Some say cutthroat, I say capitalism. (Everybody with me now! “CUTTHROAT,” *points to crowd* “CAPITALISM,” “cutthroat”, “capitalism” …) Beware the sweat threat people; the struggle for coverage is real!
And now you just want to know what that special waterproof coating business was all about. Sheesh, so needy. Well, here’s the somewhat convenient truth. Waterproofing companies, such as HZO, have developed a way to let tech owners (and private manufacturers) take matters into their own hands. HZO coating services involve applying a thin film of nanocoating directly to the circuit — effectively creating a water-and-humidity-damage-resistant seal. HZO claims its coating method protects electronic devices not only against accidental splashes and minuscule droplets, but complete submersion due to its direct application and pinhole-free barrier. Whew, that was a mouthful (typeful? handful?). Pretty cool, though. Some waterproofing companies rate their services based on how deep a submersion they can withstand (there’s actually an official waterproof rating system for this), while others, such as Liquipel, use the price-by-device approach.
Okay, okay, I’ll admit there are also some hardcore, doomsday-grade cases that will surely survive an apocalypse (alongside Twinkies), and that scoff at a mere flooding. But this is 2015 (the hoverboard-riding, car-flying future, according to Back to the Future II)! No one’s got room for your bulk s#!%, Otterbox! Your ad is kind of adorable, though.
In closing, and per usual, the future continues to insist upon not living up to the hype.
- Also, this.
- Speaking of, you should really watch In a World on Netflix while you still can. Probably the best off-beat comedy about a voice-over actress I’ve ever seen.
- Wow, I’m being really harsh on the big tech boys this week. I have to keep reminding myself that companies are people, too.
- Just last year, a husband of one of our interactive department coworkers unwittingly slipped out of his phone warranty after periodic bouts of excessive sweating. Apparently, his phone had decided to poop out on him, as they tend to do. And, following proper protocol, he took it in for repair. Unbeknownst to him, his phone was no longer covered! (Man, I should write commercials or something.) Somehow, enough of his sweat collected in his workout armband to effectively creep into the cracks of his phone and set off the waterproof sensor — thereby voiding the warranty. Since “The Incident,” he-who-must-not-be-named has lovingly been branded “The Sweat Threat” here in our Adcetera office.